Birr al-walidayn
Allah ﷻ mentioned the duty to parents directly after the duty to Himself — Qur'an 17:23. What does that mean if you live abroad and your parents are still alive? Or if they have passed? Or if the relationship is difficult? This essay goes beyond abstract statements — concrete, in your situation.
The Qur'an sets it high
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be good to your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your life, do not say to them 'uff', and do not be harsh with them, but speak to them honourably. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say: 'My Lord, have mercy on them as they raised me when I was small'"
— al-Isrāʾ 17:23-24
Notice what this says: even "uff" — a sound of irritation — is forbidden. No questions, no "they were stricter too." No "but my parents aren't ideal." The standard is exalted: they have a right to gentleness, even if they are not ideal.
The hadith makes it personal
A man came to the Prophet ﷺ and asked: "O Messenger of Allah, who is most deserving of my best companionship?"
The Prophet ﷺ said: "Your mother."
"And then?" "Your mother."
"And then?" "Your mother."
"And then?" "Your father."
— Bukhārī 5971 · Muslim 2548
Three times the mother. Once the father. Not because the father deserves less — but because the mother carried a different weight. Pregnancy, birth, sleepless nights, exclusive nourishment. That bill is by definition larger.
Practical — when your parents are still alive
Call them. Today.
Not "this week." Today. Or if it's already evening, tomorrow morning. A 10-minute conversation without an agenda. Ask how they are. Not only when you need something.
Hadith: "There is no deed that earns more reward than one performed on time" (Bukhārī 527). The best moment to call your parents is the same day you realise it. Not tomorrow.
Visit them physically
Phone contact is good. Physical presence is better. If you live abroad and they're in Morocco/Turkey/Pakistan/Suriname — plan at least one visit per year. Not just for Eid. Make it a habit.
If they're in your country but 30 km away — visit them every 2 weeks. Not "too busy." Busyness is rarely a real excuse, more often a prioritisation problem.
Money — upward, not just downward
We tend to send money to our children — naturally. But forget our parents. The Prophet ﷺ said: "You and your wealth belong to your father" (Ibn Mājah 2291, ḥasan).
This doesn't mean your father can claim your entire salary. But: if your parents are not financially strong and you are, supporting them is on you, not your sibling.
Practical: a fixed monthly amount (€100-€500 depending on situation) without them having to ask. Especially if their pension was built in another country or doesn't keep up with inflation.
They are forgetful — patience
As your parents age, they repeat questions. They forget appointments. They ask irritating things. Uff is haram (Qur'an 17:23). Smile. Answer again. Manage your tone.
Small detail: don't talk to your spouse about them in a dismissive tone. That too is gibah. Allah hears.
Religious differences — difficult but clear
What if your parents are not practising, or even non-Muslim? The Qur'an is explicit:
"But if they pressure you to associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them — yet accompany them in this world with kindness"
— Luqmān 31:15
Two levels: (1) do not obey them in shirk or haram, but (2) keep treating them with kindness. Not "I'm Muslim now, I'm cutting ties." That's not the Sunnah.
Practical — when they have passed
The Prophet ﷺ named 4 things you can do for deceased parents (Abū Dāwūd 5142, sahih):
- Duʿā for them — especially after every prayer: "Rabbī-ghfir lī wa-li-wālidayya..." (Qur'an 71:28).
- Istighfār for them — ask Allah to forgive their sins.
- Fulfil their promises and obligations — if they had debts, settle them. If they made vows, fulfil them.
- Goodness to their friends & family — if you knew specific people they cared about, keep contact with them.
Plus: sadaqah jāriyah in their name. Build a water well, fund a Qur'an print, sponsor a student of Islamic knowledge. The reward keeps flowing for them.
When rights conflict
A wife asks: my husband and mother have different demands. Whose has priority?
Classical fiqh: the husband (in matters where he has authority) wins. But women retain parental rights. A husband forbidding his wife to visit her parents without ḍarūrah is not just.
A man asks: my mother and wife have tension. What do I do?
Not: blindly take one side. Yes: arbitrate with justice (Qur'an 4:135). Ignore neither. But the mother ranks higher in the order of rights.
The hardest — difficult parents
Some parents weren't ideal. They were absent, harsh, or worse. What then?
The Qur'an names no condition "only if they deserve it." Being a parent itself grants the right. But you don't have to stay in unsafe situations. Obey in reasonable requests; stay out of toxic dynamics; pray for them even if you don't speak weekly.
"Allah burdens no soul beyond its capacity" (Qur'an 2:286). The minimum is duʿā for them. If you can give nothing else — that too is birr.
A 7-day challenge
- Day 1: Call your mother. 15 minutes without agenda.
- Day 2: Call your father. Same.
- Day 3: Visit them or send a handwritten card if far away.
- Day 4: Set up a fixed monthly amount for them, automatically transferred.
- Day 5: Add them to your prayer duʿās — not vaguely, specifically (health, guidance, forgiveness).
- Day 6: Repair something concrete — an apology you owe, a forgiveness not yet spoken.
- Day 7: Schedule the next physical visit now. Put it in your calendar.
"My Lord, have mercy on them as they raised me when I was small."
— al-Isrāʾ 17:24
Further reading
- Jumuʿah — weekly reset
- Tahajjud — duʿā for your parents in the last third of the night
- Dua library — duʿās specifically for parents